A fiasco from start to finish
The exam is over. It was pathetic. They asked me virtually every question that I was weak on and none of the questions that I was strong in. Ironically, those are precisely the questions that I SHOULD have breezed through easily. I had just spent so much time focusing on my weaknesses that they were actually reversed on the day of the exam. The result was that I had only about a half dozen citations for the entire exam. It was pretty pathetic and I'm feeling really crappy and not at all in a celebratory mood. Still, I cranked out 24 double-spaced pages. That should count for something, right? Right??!!
Anyway, I'm going to spend this weekend trying to recenter myself while on retreat at a local monastery. I had been praying so hard for this exam and one of five things happened: 1.) I didn't do my part; 2.) God has decided that my prayers were not good enough, were insincere, or something else; 3.) I'm hanging by a thread and God is waiting to show me a miracle and solidify my faith (I shouldn't be expecting this, should I? Wouldn't that be testing God?); 4.) God has nothing to do with this and I should have just spent all that time in prayer studying instead; 5.) God DID answer my prayers and told me exactly how to go and I, being a fool, didn't get it.
I guess I'll find out in a few weeks when I get my results back. Ugh...
1 comment:
Well, there may be a sixth option: God is not a short-order cook. Your prayers can be sincere and intentioned and wonderful and you can do your part and you can still not get the answer you wanted to get. God always answers; God doesn't always answer the way you expect or want.
It's been a hard-won lesson, let me tell you.
Have a great retreat.
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